2020 is looking good for vegans. Not that it will be healthier than the years gone before, far from it. This is the year where vegans will finally be able to put their differences with the carnivores aside in the one arena that has been closed to them for so long – the booze-soaked stumble home.
January started an arms race among convenience food outlets to be top of the pile to soak up your sozzle. Pretender to the throne, Greggs’ fake pork roll has been hamstrung by its premature closing times and allowed rivals to close ground. However appealing their vegan steak bake is, no one is breaking in to a Greggs post 11pm.
Subway and KFC have started the year strong. A meatless marinara, a cruelty curtailed tribute to the original, is tempting. And the chance to wrap 11 herbs and spices around a Quorn fillet was too much for KFC – the vegan model bangs.
What about the seitan elephant in the room? Where are the big dogs and why are they not selling hams? Where is McDonald’s? Surely that can’t be them, offering up pallid fingers of baby mush to vegans demanding blood appropriation?
This could have been the year for vegans to flood back to the warm faced clown of their childhood and suckle on Krusty’s Ronalds partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages. But instead, dropping from between the two inverted arches were nuggets of mush shaped by the bare hand of someone who doesn’t like you.
“It’s high time for the UK to enjoy some McLovin’ too,” says PETA, finally restructuring their priorities.
The idea writes itself. Find a vague approximation of the vague approximation of meat Maccers uses in its Big Mac, then serve it with a vague approximation of a … you get the idea. We don’t love the questionable clown for his use of delicate and authentic flavours and nor would we think any less of him for cashing in on #Veganuary with an ill-considered Greggs-esque campaign. Something like: #MacIsBack and this time it’s vegetable.
The shit-food super-chain has flirted with vegan burgers before. In 2017 they ran a trial of the McVegan for two months in Finland. Subsequently, Finns have been able to syödä vegan burgers to the tune of 150,000 since it became a permanent menu feature.
So popular was this foray away from fillet that Finnish McDonald’s now serves two variations of vegan burger. The second is called El Veggo, which is excellently named, and has the flavour credentials to match.
“The 'El Veggo' burger has 'the flavor of salsa', and features the company's soy patty, along with spicy salsa sauce, vegan McFeast sauce, fresh tomatoes, and salad,” reports PlantBasedNews.
It seems that Scandinavia is set to continue hoarding all the best stuff as the McVegan has no plans to drag its unholy form to the UK. A version that squeezes a Beyond Meat patty between the buns has been trialled in the US and Canada snappily dubbed the P.L.T. (plant, lettuce and tomato), but again the company has no intention to bring the goods over the Atlantic due to exacting EU food regulations. So perhaps Brexit was worth it after all.
Germany, New Zealand and Australia have all had some variation of meatless burgers hurled their way. Although not quite vegan (cooked on meaty grills and layered with cheese) they have satiated many flexitarians. However you slice your diet here in the UK, it looks like any pissed pootle in search of McDonald’s vegan fare is going to be a long one.
